Talking About Death

“Thanks be to God, who give us the victory,

through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

–1 Corinthians 15:57

On October 30th of last year my phone signaled an incoming FaceTime call.  The name on the screen identified it as coming from my daughter-in-law, but when I answered it turned out to be our 7-year-old granddaughter. She had a serious look on her face. “Hi, Papa,” she began. “I have some sad news.”  Before proceeding, her four- year-old brother tried to get in on the call, too, but Big Sister told him to leave the room. “This is grown-up talk!”  she declared.

After he complied, she shared that the music teacher at her school had recently died. I had met him at a year-end concert a few years earlier and had been so impressed with his skill and demeanor. He was a legend at her all-girls school, having taught there for decades. “He had cancer like Poppy,” she continued, connecting the news to a health challenge her other grandfather was facing at the time. “I’m so sorry to hear that, Sweetheart. He was a special man.” “Yes,” she answered. “I’m sad.”

This wasn’t the first time we had had conversations about faith. She had Face-Timed me in the past when reading Bible stories with her parents, usually calling when she was either confused or unconvinced by the Scriptural narrative. Whenever she sleeps over at our home, the day always ends with her lengthy bedtime prayer, too.

On that day last fall, after listening closely as she shared a few more comments I made an offer. “When I have been with other families after someone has died,” I said, “they often like for me to have a prayer. Do you want me to pray now for him and your school?” She thought for a second before replying “No,” and then in the next breath said “But on a brighter note, tomorrow’s Halloween!”

7 year old are not the only ones who are quick to change the topic when matters of death arise. In my years as a pastor, many congregants would be present for Palm Sunday and then seven days later for Easter, but not at the other services of Holy Week that focused on the last hours of Jesus’ life. A mother or father who loses a child to death can find in the years that follow even their closest friends are reluctant to bring up their child’s name in conversation thinking (erroneously) that silence will be easier on the parents. Older adults can put off writing out their funeral wishes, too, not considering the gift such details will be for ones left behind.     

Such reactions are understandable, yet overlook the central gift that Jesus brought.  For yes, he demonstrated an unshakable trust in God and invited us to do the same.  Yes, he embodied the grace of God that we still need, urging us to seek forgiveness from God and each other. And yes, he broke down the kind of barriers that human beings have always tended to create that separate us from others for Jesus demonstrated repeatedly that God’s love is inclusive and meant for all.

Yet at the heart of the Christian story is the fact that Jesus suffered and died for us. As such he understands the hardest challenges of life and the natural anxiety that can arise when death nears and occurs.  Which is why the Apostle Paul could write  “Where, O death, is your victory?  Where, O death is your sting?” and then answer. “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” A word of promise and encouragement for sad 7-year-olds and the rest of us, too. 

Suffering Servant, we remain both amazed and humbled by your sacrificial death on our behalf.  Help us celebrate that gift always, especially in the face of death. Amen. 

 


  1. Virginia Hendrixson

    John, this is so beautifully expressed and just the best way to begin Holy Week! Thank you for your love And kindness to all of us .

  2. Ronnalee

    Thank you John for sharing the innocence of children and yet their need to share even sad events. We all shy away from death sometimes forgetting why Jesus did this for us as it was such a victory. God Bless you and your family during this Holy Week.

    1. And to you and your family as well!

  3. Jeanne

    As I stated before, you always gave me something that will support me for the coming week.

  4. Anonymous

    This is such a great comfort!

  5. Roger Hodge

    I look forward to reading your words.

  6. Debbie lLinders

    What a great message and reminder for this Holy week. Your granddaughter surely knew who to call, along with how to handle the sensitivity with her younger sibling.

    Thank you for your continued thoughtful and inspiring words.

    1. Thanks for your kind words, Debbie!

  7. Carole Ermold

    An unexpected blessing. Thank you for sharing.

  8. Steve Spadt

    I may be the only reader that would notice such a thing, but it’s striking to me that she considered Halloween a “brighter note,” since it is a celebration of death’s unboundedness, in a way. Perhaps she was thinking of the candy, but I couldn’t help but wonder whether she chose some brighter view of humans’ confrontation of the mystery of death in connecting with Halloween. Probably the candy. 🙂

    1. I appreciate your suggestion that our granddaughter was speaking with such theological depth, but am pretty sure it was the candy she had in mind! 😇

  9. Anonymous

    I just read this offering a second time-and the reason is clear. I needed guidance to talk with my daughter-in law whose brother died yesterday. My 4-year-old great granddaughter is filled with whys. When Juniper visits on Sunday-I can talk with her about her uncle David’s “gone to where” I am grateful for your reflection-John.
    March 29

    1. I’m glad it was helpful. Trust your instincts as the 4 year old asks the question. I’m sure you will do well. God bless you!

  10. Mary Patrick

    I’m a bit late in reading this Ordinary Grace, but enjoyed reading and imagining you speaking with your granddaughter. It was tender and sweet – the innocence of a child. It does give great comfort knowing and believing that we have that victory through Jesus Christ.